Yellow
This post was going to be about how I was recently rejected by someone, which hurt obviously, but it was also going to be about how, a month later, I was more or less doing much better and feeling good in every possible way. I wanted to present a version of me in this post that translated, visually [in this frankly sizzling yellow dress], and literally in the accompanying words, as 'I'm out the other side and I feel awesome!".
Until earlier today when I started crying halfway through reading about Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights [lol law conversion course sux], not because I was sad about that guy, but because I realised something about why I'd been so sad about that guy. Random realisations that knock you sideways, about how you behave, what you expect from another person in a romantic [and platonic] relationship and the disconnect to what was actually happening in reality. And it made me think about guys I've liked in the past, guys that ended it with me [badly, mostly] and times I ended it with a guy [less frequent, hopefully less badly] and about their behaviour- what I accepted and didn't, what I thought I deserved and didn't, and a whole lot of shit about my projections and really high expectations, coupled with just enough low self-esteem with the wrong kinda guy for none of the latter to matter and to be taken advantage of anyway. There's so much there, and today I felt like the purpose of this 'i'm good now guys!' blog post seemed naively redundant.
But it's really never actually about presenting the finished product. It sounds like the most over-used cliche to convey, but taking the time to learn from the not-so-good bits is so important that I can't and shouldn't have put a time-stamp or expiry date on when I'd get there. And it's not about locking yourself in a room for a week and working through it because we don't work like that- it happens randomly when you're having dinner or out with friends, and you have to let it hit so that realisation is felt, understood and actually becomes a learning. That's not to say I'm not the 'I feel great about most things in my life thanks for asking!!' person also, but what I'd sort of been doing alongside 'unpacking' things is a fair amount of repression, putting barriers up, and generally bad but familiar behaviour- which I am still doing, because it's really fucking hard not to.
I wanted this post to be way more 'hopeful', where I had learnt one key lesson from getting over someone and 'what worked for me!', but having feelings really doesn't work like that. My heart isn't broken. But I cried a lot. But I genuinely believed it was for the best a couple days after. But I still get sad.
I suppose there's one lesson- or perhaps a new temporary rule: I'm on a self-inflicted boy ban until my degree is over, aka try not to date a guy for the next 5 months. New potential side-rule: let a dude prove his worth [and vice versa] by getting to know each other without the dating bullshit [and all the heavy attachment feelings and romantic ideals that go with it]? Watch this space...
